I Don't Care How You Do It, Just Save Me
by ophelia22
Summary: Based on the prompt: Four times Rachel saves Glee and the one time Glee saves Rachel. Puck/Rachel. Rated T for language.


_**I Don't Care How You Do it (Just Save Me)**_

_**or**_

_**Four Times Rachel Saved the Glee Club and One Time it Saved Her**_

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_This story belongs to Chris! Thanks for the prompt. :-)_

_Credit for the title goes to Remy Zero._

_This one is a little different, but I had fun writing it. Hope you enjoy! Comments make me ridiculously happy (as usual)._

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_**ONE:**_

At the time, no one really understood what started the fight. One minute Mercedes was talking to Kurt about the latest episode of Project Runway and the next she had Santana by the ponytail and was yelling something about _skinny Latina chicks who never change their clothes_.

No one seemed to know quite what to do.

Mr. Schuester quickly pulled the two girls apart (_much_ to Puck's dismay) but after that he seemed at a loss as to how he should handle it. As Puck later put it, "Dudes like Mr. Schue just have no idea what to do with female aggression."

(He may or may not have winked at Rachel while saying it. Rachel may or may not have rolled her eyes in return.)

Strangely, it was Brittany who finally clued everyone in to the real issue at hand when she calmly turned to Quinn and said "It's so sad what Santana said about Kurt being allergic to cats. I like cats."

Puck, of all people, was the one able to translate. ("I'm guessing it was something about pussy giving Hummel the hives.")

So, Mercedes threatened to quit if Mr. Schue didn't kick Santana out because she refused to be in the same group such a _homophobic bitch_.

Kurt threatened to quit if Mercedes quit (for obvious reasons), and then glared at Tina and Artie until they agreed.

Santana threatened to quit because she wasn't about to be _kicked out_ of such a lame ass group.

Brittany didn't threaten to quit, but everyone knew she would follow Santana out of the door in sheer confusion.

Quinn threatened to quit if everyone didn't stop being such drama queens because her pregnancy was stressful enough _thank you very much_.

Matt and Mike threatened to quit if Santana left (but only after she sent them both a text detailing what she would tell everyone about them if they didn't back her up).

Puck _would _have threatened to quit (because stopping a perfectly good chick fight is lame as _fuck) _if he didn't fear the wrath of Rachel.

(And he is _not_ pussy whipped, so shut your fucking mouth.)

Finn was just too busy saying "Guys, come on. _GUYS_! Seriously!" to threaten to do much of anything.

In the end, it was Rachel who calmly went to her roller bag, pulled out the rape whistle that her dads gave her for her 15th birthday, and applied her not inconsiderable lung power to make the whistle shriek until every last person in the room had finally shut up. She bravely faced the room full of glares with a bright smile.

"Thank you _so much_ for your kind attention. Before this ridiculous situation spirals any more out of control, may I just suggest that we remember that self-control is a vital quality for top performers? Perhaps you should try applying it in this situation. Even though we are not yet adults, I really think you should all, at the very least, try to not act so infantile. This is _show choir_, people, not _Jerry Springer_."

That's when Santana called Rachel a "bossy, crazy faced crack whore". Mercedes couldn't help but laugh and say "Amen, sister."

And that was that.

As everyone took their seats again to start practice on the next song, Puck slid over into the empty chair next to Rachel and muttered under his breath, "Am I losing my mind, or did you just totally take one for the team?"

Rachel grinned but for once didn't say a word.

* * *

_**TWO:**_

"Yello?"

"Is that seriously the way you are answering your phone now, Noah?"

"Is that _seriously_ the way you start a conversation with the sexiest man you know, baby?"

"I've asked you repeatedly not to call me that."

"But baby I _like _calling you baby."

"It is cheap and demeaning and you could be talking to _any _girl when you say that."

"Whatever, Berry. You know I'm not calling anyone else that now. At least not _this _week."

"Ha. Ha. You are _hilarious_."

"Bout time someone noticed."

"Noah?"

"That's right.....you know how I like it when you say my name all breathy like that. Say it again. _Harder_ this time."

"Stop being a jerk. You _know_ why I am calling."

"I do?"

"I talked to Finn."

"Oh.....well, _shit."_

"There's no use denying it. I know everything."

"That dude is _such_ a girl. Can't keep his trap shut to save his life."

"He has your best interest at heart. This is _not_ a good idea."

"Of course it is. Judges love this kind of shit."

"No, judges _do not _love such showy shenanigans."

"Fuck, Berry. Did you just say _showy shenanigans_?"

"Yes, I did. And why must you insist on using that word on a regular basis? It is _such_ a lazy rhetorical device."

"What the fuck is a lazy fucking rhetorical fuck device?"

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Sure it does."

"No, it doesn't. I said _rhetorical device_, Noah. There is no such thing as a _rhetorical fuck device_."

"Dude. That would be SO AWESOME if there was.....wait.... you just said _fuck_!"

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did. I win our bet!"

"No, Noah, you don't. I didn't _say_ it. I was simply quoting you."

"That shit totally counts."

"No, it doesn't. And can we _please_ get back to the matter at hand?"

"You wanna know what's in _my _hand right now?"

"Not if you want to lay that hand on me anytime in the near future."

"Shit, Rach. There's no need to bring a gun to a knife fight."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Forget it. But _dude_, Finn would have totally gotten that."

"_Don't _call me dude. And who is having this knife fight? Why are there weapons involved at all? You know I believe in a peaceful world, Noah."

"I said to forget it! So never-mind."

"No, don't never-mind me. What did you mean?"

"Fine....I just meant you were overreacting. _As Usual_."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"You think I overreact?"

"Shit _yeah_."

"Oh."

"Damn it, Rach. Don't pull that sniffle shit. You know crying freaks me out."

"I'm not sniffling."

"Yes, you are."

"Well, I'm sorry if I am overreacting _yet_ _again_!"

"Inside voices, baby. If your dad hears you yelling at me on the phone again, he's going to take your cell away."

"Fine."

"Oh, good. The sulky portion of the evening has begun. I think that's my cue to jet."

"Oh, no you don't, Noah Puckerman. We haven't finished talking about your ridiculous plan."

"It is _not_ ridiculous. My plan is the _shit_."

"No, it isn't. And if you insist on leading all of those boys astray, you are going to _ruin_ our chances at Regionals."

"You aren't thinking _Big Picture_, Rach. I'm telling you. It will be eye catching AND show team unity and all that other shit those douchey judges just love."

"No."

"But if you would just..."

"NO."

"But all of the _other_ guys have already agreed! Well, except Kurt. But he doesn't count."

"That only makes it worse! You are corrupting them."

"Well, I didn't hear you complaining when I was corrupting _you_ after school yesterday."

"Noah, under _no_ circumstances are the men of _New Directions _all getting matching mohawks. Just.... no."

"But, Rach...."

"Noah._ Please._ I'm serious."

"Fine."

"Really?"

"I guess."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes."

"Cross your heart and hope to die?"

"Rachel, I will stab myself in the nuts with an icepick before I do either of those things."

"Fine. But at least say, _I promise not to shave matching mohawks into any other members of New Directions._"

"This is fucking stupid, Rachel."

"SAY IT."

"Fine. I fucking promise not to shave awesome matching mohawks into any other fucking members of fucking New fucking Directions."

"That was a totally juvenile rendition, but I will accept that version anyway."

"Whatever."

"Noah?"

"This is lame. I'm gonna go. I'll pick you up in the morning."

"Noah?"

"What? What do you want _now_? Would you also like me to gift wrap my balls and send them over to your house for breakfast?"

"Ew."

"Then _what_? What do you fucking want now, Rach?"

"Well....I was just wondering. What are you wearing?"

* * *

_**THREE:**_

A. Mr. Schuester planned a new routine using _Bridge over Troubled Waters_.

B. Rachel thought it was a brilliant idea until he brought out the "Garfunkle" wigs for half of the Glee Club to wear. ("Dramatic _and_ funny, guys! The audience at our Invitational will eat this up.").

C. When he wouldn't listen to reason ("Those wigs are a hideous joke, Mr. Schuester! You can't be serious!), and when he ignored her storm out ("I will not be a part of a cheap ploy that will do nothing but distract from our talent!"), Rachel was left with no choice.

D. That night she snuck into the school with Puck ("The door with the broken lock is by the _Science_ room, Berry -- not the _English_ room. Duh."), stole all the wigs ("I told you we should have brought _two_ bags to put these in, Noah. They're so _bulky_!"), and burned them all in a vacant lot that Puck just _happened_ to know about ("You know, Rach, there's a few parking spaces over there that you can't even see from the street. It's almost like having a hotel room.").

E. Later that month, the beautifully understated performance of _Bridge over Troubled Waters_ at their Invitational was a huge hit.

* * *

_**FOUR:**_

Rachel spent 5 minutes trying to find Noah after homeroom.

Noah needed 2 seconds to realize she was in the middle of a Glee Club related meltdown.

Finn listened for 2 minutes before deciding that he didn't want to witness what was about to happen and tried to leave.

2 additional minutes were required for Finn to come up with an excuse that might be acceptable to Rachel for not staying and hearing what she had to say.

15 seconds were required for Puck to call Finn a _pansy ass chicken shit_ for being scared of a midget like Rachel.

Rachel took a mere 5 seconds to kick Puck in the shins.

Those 5 seconds were all Finn really needed to make his escape.

Puck spent the next 5 minutes trying to understand Rachel even though she was talking at supersonic speeds.

A good 2-3 of those minutes were actually spent looking down her shirt and not listening at all.

Rachel spent _another_ 3 minutes trying to explain to Puck what was upsetting her while holding her coat in front of her chest so he'd pay attention.

Puck needed about 45 seconds of silence to mentally translate all that Berry-speak.

He then required only 14 seconds to ask what the fuck "nefarious academic practices_" _meant and to wonder why the hell Coach Sylvester was bothering to accuse him of it.

2 minutes of explanation were needed to explain that Coach Sylvester wanted to remove him from Glee Club to keep him from singing his new solo at their showcase the next week.

Puck took 4 seconds to claim he didn't give a shit.

Rachel only needed 1 second to know he was lying.

The next 25 minutes were spent in the janitor's closet so that Rachel could cheer Puck up.

Another hour was required for Rachel to collect Coach Sylvester, Principal Figgins, Mr. Schuester and Puck all in one room.

She then took 2 minutes to threaten to sue everyone in the room on Noah's behalf.

The wink that Noah sent her took less than 1 second.

Coach Sylvester spent 2 minutes insulting Mr. Schuester's hair, 1 minute making vague threats to Principal Figgins, and 30 seconds giving Rachel a look that either suggested mild attraction or extreme dislike.

Rachel decided to spent the next 5 minutes making sure they were all aware of the positive traits and character growth of Noah Puckerman over the past year.

It took the adults less than 10 seconds to ignore the folder of information on Puck she had prepared and was offering to let them read.

Puck spent a good 33 seconds giving her a _What the Fuck?_ look and trying to wrestle the folder out of her hands.

After 2 minutes of deliberation, Principal Figgins offered to dismiss the entire matter if someone could _please _just get Rachel Berry out of his office.

And that night, Puck spent a good 45 minutes in his truck rewarding Rachel for her _psycho yet apparently effective ways_.

* * *

_**And the one time Glee saved Rachel:**_

Sometimes Puck wonders if Rachel really knows why he asked her out the second time after their first supposed _relationship _was such a fiasco.

It all started one day after Glee when Kurt casually asked Rachel about that _hottie_ he'd seen her with at the mall. Rachel blushed but didn't answer.

That was annoying. Puck had _really_ wanted her to answer.

The next night Artie sent him an email with a link to a website about second hand guitars they'd been talking about earlier in the day. Puck almost didn't notice the line Artie threw in at the end of the email that casually asked, "Did you see that guy giving Rachel a ride after school today? Weird."

That vague crap was fucking irritating.

Two days later Rachel was walking down the hall smiling what Puck liked to think of as her _The world is my bitch today_ smile (one of his favorites). He didn't think much of it until he overheard Mercedes comment to Kurt, "Damn. Rachel's got the smile of a girl that's getting a little something, something. How is it possible she's getting action and I'm not?" He blocked out the rest of their conversation because his favorite _the world is my bitch_ smile had just morphed into a _someone found my magic button _smile.

And that shit? Was not amusing.

Later that same day he was eating lunch with a couple of the Cheerios when Santana got a text. Her response was a nonplussed, "You have _got _to be fucking kidding me. Rachel Berry?" Puck had to threaten her with an Indian Rug Burn on her upper arm before she let him look at her phone. Turns out it was Quinn reporting that a dozen roses had just been delivered to the office for one Rachel Berry.

After that, Puck wasn't hungry.

Two nights later, he and Finn were playing _Call of Duty_ when Finn's phone rang. Puck was treated to Finn's half of a very odd conversation.

"Yeah, he's here."

"No, I'm not gonna do that."

"Because. It would be weird."

"You guys do what you want, but I'm staying out of it."

"Because I value my future children!"

"No!"

"You tell him, then."

"Whatever, dude."

Finn hung up, picked up his controller and un-paused the game without saying anything. Puck tried giving him a _what the fuck, dude?_ but Finn just ignored him and kept playing. About 2 minutes later, Puck got a text from Matt that read, "Berry just showed up at Avatar. With a dude! WTF?" 3 minutes later he got a text from Mike that read, "Berry=frisky at the movies. Hilarious!"

That was the first night Finn beat Puck at _Call of Duty_.

Over the next week, Puck started realizing that the Glee club seemed to be going out of their way to keep him up to date on the status of Berry's new "relationship". For example, Tina just happened to mention to Artie (while Puck was sitting there) that Rachel wanted to know what she thought about dating older men. Santana felt the need to ask Puck if he thought that Rachel had burned herself with her curling iron or was that a hickey on her neck? The incidents kept piling up, but Puck just spent that week getting increasingly pissed off without actually doing anything about the situation.

Finally, Quinn lost her patience and grabbed him after the third practice in a row he'd spent glaring at Rachel. "Ok, clearly _subtle_ doesn't work. Let's try the _You're an Emotionally Stunted Moron _version: Berry is dating some guy from Carmel. A member of _Vocal Adrenaline_. This isn't going to end well. You like her. Everyone knows it. Act like the badass you think you are and _do_ something about it."

A week's worth of concentrated Puckerone effort was all it took to get Berry to dump the asshole. The rest? Is history.


End file.
